hopes & longings

Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. -prov. 13:12

We have really experienced this truth over the past 9 days. Especially the first part. Last Monday, I (Cindy) was in a waiting room at 7am, almost ready to have my much-anticipated knee surgery, when the nurse comes in and tells Jason & I that we are pregnant. Whhhaaat??? That's not what I came here for! I want a new ACL, not a baby! I was speechless for a good 3 hours, as I tried to process this unexpected change of plans. We knew there was still a high risk of miscarriage b/c I was only a few weeks along at that point, but we decided to go ahead and tell people, b/c they'd be asking about the surgery anyway and we didn't want to lie. So I grew more excited as we told our family and close friends that we were expecting a little Lofton at the end of June. We even started throwing around possible names, like 'Allegra' and 'Viagra'. As the week progressed, the more hope I felt and the more I was really accepting the fact that we were going to have a kid. Well, that hope was quickly deferred this past Saturday when I started having a miscarriage. We know for certain today that it's a miscarriage after getting 2 blood tests done, but I knew deep in my gut on Saturday when it started, something in me began to grieve. It was grief that I've only felt when my Granny and my best friend from high school passed away. So I think God was preparing me then for this hope to be deferred, but it still hurts. But He doesn't leave us there, heart sick over deferred hopes. He promises that a longing fulfilled will be a tree of life, like the picture displays. So I guess I'm about to learn the truth of the second part of that proverb. And I know it's always to long for Him and the things of Him. For those of you who have been 'in the know' this past week, thank you for your support and many prayers. We are thankful not to be alone in this. It's definitely been a wake-up call in many ways, esp. for me, so that is good. But a rollercoaster at the same time. Anyway, i just needed to write some of that out to help me process, and to inform those of you who actually read our blog but didn't know what was going on.

...you give and take away...my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name...